Absurd predictions for the Vancouver Canucks’ 2025–26 season are back by popular demand. Be sure to shut off the critical thinking part of your brain when reading this article, as none of the things mentioned in this article will make any sense.
Without further ado, here are some absurd predictions for the Canucks’ 2025–26 regular season.
September: Canucks Announce Training Camp, New Practice Facility In Sweden
Despite already locking in Penticton as the location for their 2025 Training Camp, the Canucks make the decision to appeal to a different sector of their fanbase by holding it in Malå. The organization also announces the location of their new practice facility — at the same rink in Malå. Fin the Whale transports the players to and from the facility by swimming across the oceans with them on his back.
October: Canucks Lose Home-Opener In Shocking Fashion
Exactly one year before Vancouver’s 2025–26 home-opener, the team gave up a 4–1 lead and lost 6–5 in overtime to the Calgary Flames. This year, instead of giving up the lead, they erase the exact same deficit and take the game to overtime. However, the new seats at Rogers Arena suddenly grow human consciousness and storm the ice, knocking the puck into Vancouver’s net during the chaos.
November: Kiefer Sherwood Makes 30 Hits In One Game
On a random day in November, Kiefer Sherwood decides to nearly double the current NHL record for hits in one game, making 30 in a full 60-minute match.
December: Former Canucks Head Coach Rick Tocchet Gets Into A Fight With Current Head Coach Adam Foote
Things get heated in Vancouver’s December 30 matchup with the Philadelphia Flyers and former head coach Rick Tocchet, to the point where he and Adam Foote take things into the hallway John Tortorella style. Noah Juulsen separates the two before they can throw any more punches. As a punishment, the NHL takes 20 points away from each team’s standings total.
January: After A Winter Slump, The Canucks Announce A Major Roster Acquisition
Vancouver gets off to a rough first half of the season, having been stripped of 20 of their hard-earned points after the Foote/Tocchet smackdown. To remedy this, the team strikes up a deal with the Vancouver Whitecaps, acquiring star forward Thomas Müller and immediately slotting him into the position of 2C.
February: NHL Announces 2026 All-Star Weekend, Prevents Players From Participating In Olympics
In a sudden twist, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announces that the NHL will be holding an All-Star Game in the middle of February, preventing players from representing their respective countries at the 2026 Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics. When asked about the sudden change of heart, Bettman releases a statement saying “just because.”
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March: Canucks Make A Trade At The Trade Deadline
Not a month before the deadline, not a week before the deadline, or not a day before the deadline. No, the Canucks will make a trade right on deadline day, doing so for the first time since trading Tyler Motte in 2022.
April: Canucks Make Playoffs But Are Disqualified By NHL Due To World Cup
The NHL, fearing that the Canucks’ playoff run could interfere with the 2026 World Cup, disqualifies Vancouver from the 2026 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Deeming Abbotsford as far enough from the main festivities, they allow the Abbotsford Canucks to play in their place, with the 2025 Calder Cup Champions also taking home the 2026 Stanley Cup.
May: Tyler Myers And Half-Brother Quentin Grimes Swap Sports
Longtime Canuck Tyler Myers decides to take a break from hockey, beginning his professional basketball career in the 2026–27 season. To replace him, Vancouver brings in Myers’ half-brother, Quentin Grimes. Both players excel in their new sports.
June: Canucks Use De-Centralized Draft To Their Advantage To Pick Viggo Björck
With many projections ranking Viggo Björck, brother of Canucks prospect Wilson, higher than when Vancouver is likely to pick, the organization decides to hire a professional hacker to help them acquire the younger Björck. The hacker crashes every team’s Zoom meetings and submits random players as their selections, leaving Björck open for Vancouver to take.
July: Vancouver Acquires Connor Bedard After Wise Words From A Convincing Canuck
After yet another disappointing season, the Chicago Blackhawks make a shocking move during free agency — letting go of restricted free agent Connor Bedard. Bedard, who received wise advice from former Canuck Alex Burrows during the 2025 off-season, follows his heart and returns to his hometown of Vancouver to play with the team he grew up cheering for.
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