You’ve seen some realistic trade deadline scenarios for the Vancouver Canucks, but now, it’s time to look at some of the most absurd deals that could (probably not) happen. Most, if not all of these scenarios, will exceed the team’s allotted cap space — but that’s okay, because none of these are meant to be taken seriously. With that being said, here are some absurd trade deadline scenarios that will most likely never see the light of day.
Canucks Acquire Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, And Kris Letang
The Pittsburgh Penguins are in a rough position right now — they’ve committed to their stars, but can’t seem to put together the wins to send them into playoff contention. They’re currently seventh in the Metropolitan division and five points away from a wild card spot. In a shocking turn of events, Pittsburgh decides to speed up their rebuild by trading all of their star players. Who else could Pittsburgh General Manager Kyle Dubas call other than the team’s former GM, Jim Rutherford? Penguins icons Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Kris Letang are all shipped off to Vancouver in exchange for every single one of the Canucks’ draft picks in 2025.
Quinn Hughes “Retires,” Canucks Rebuild The Blueline
After the success of Quinn Hughes’ request to sign Kiefer Sherwood, the management team makes the decision to terminate Hughes’ contract and bring him in as an assistant GM. He oversees the reconstruction of Vancouver’s blueline, shipping out nearly every player and bringing in Cale Makar, Adam Fox, Rasmus Dahlin, and more big-name players. How does he do this? He threatens players by ending his retirement and telling them that he’ll break their ankles if they don’t request to be traded to Vancouver. Also, he acquires Jack and Luke Hughes from the New Jersey Devils.
Feeling Homesick, Vancouver Kids Come Back To BC
After yet another loss with the Chicago Blackhawks, Connor Bedard begins feeling homesick. He calls up his friend, Macklin Celebrini, who gives him the idea to request a trade back home. They are joined by other BC-based players such as Sam Reinhart, Mathew Barzal, and Morgan Rielly.
Vancouver Signs Michael Bublé To A One-Year Contract, Win Stanley Cup
Game day. Impossible to describe how much I love this team but if you give me the opportunity I will talk about it relentlessly until one of us falls asleep. @Canucks pic.twitter.com/u3drW56c4J
— Michael Bublé (@MichaelBuble) May 16, 2024
Fed up with his team having never won a Stanley Cup, Michael Bublé takes matters into his own hands. Instead of making a big trade, Canucks management signs the Canadian icon to a one-year deal for the league-minimum. Vancouver goes on to win every single game up until the playoffs, as Bublé’s singing mid-game leaves opposing players wanting to dance instead of taking part in the game. Will Arnett attempts to sabotage the Canucks by giving Bublé some “treats” during a Stanley Cup Final matchup against the Toronto Maple Leafs, but it ends in Vancouver winning the series in overtime. Bublé’s jersey is retired the following season.
Vancouver Management Trades Everyone — Including The Coaches
Canucks management, wanting a completely clean slate to work with, decides to trade every player on the roster. Coaches and training staff are also dealt across the NHL. In exchange, Vancouver brings in the first, second, and third-round draft picks from every team in the league.
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The Canucks and the Buffalo Sabres are the two NHL teams that have gone the longest without winning a Stanley Cup in franchise history (although, everyone knows which team has a longer no-win streak despite having won one before). They aren’t the only ones who are fed up with this lack of winning, however. The two NHL teams are approached by their fellow championship-less teams: the Detroit Lions of the NFL, the Sacramento Kings of the NBA, and the Milwaukee Brewers and San Diego Padres of MLB. They propose that they put together a super team made up of all their best players. Vancouver and Buffalo agree, and with the combined efforts from all the clubs, they win every major league sporting championship in 2025.
Canucks Get Nikita Zadorov Back, But He Comes With A Hefty Price
Looking for someone to put some spunk in the team’s step, Canucks management make the decision to reacquire Nikita Zadorov. However, due to cap constraints, the Boston Bruins must send someone else to Vancouver as well. Knowing that his contract is expiring after this season, the Bruins decide to package Brad Marchand up with Zadorov. Fans still boo him when he takes to the ice in a Canucks jersey.
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